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'THE
BUDDHIST HOUR'
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Hillside
Radio 87.6 FM & 88.0 FM |
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The Buddhist Hour Radio Broadcast Sunday 11 February 2001
This program is called: How do we develop true relationships?
Wednesday is the 14th of February, St. Valentine’s day, a day which evokes rich imagery of love and lush red roses, where throughout the world people buy and offer flowers and gifts. Many persons want to improve their relationships. In today’s radio program we will look at how this can be achieved. In the development of a true relationship, the Buddha advised the practice of caga (pronounced charga), which is emotional maturity. At a five day meditation course held at the Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd. from 1st to 5th April 1988, our Teacher John D. Hughes taught the understanding of nama rupa (body/form ) thus achieving mindfulness of body in the present, leading to the foundation of caga. The development of caga, which translates as "emotional maturity", differs from metta (or loving-kindness) in that caga is passive while metta is active. Caga, when developed, becomes another attribute of the meditator, whereas metta requires a sender and receiver. If persons meet with caga, they will meet again in a future life. During the meditation course, the Centre was circumambulated by the meditators, each carrying incense, flowers or food as offerings. The instruction was to be mindful of the body, in the present, developing caga whilst circumambulating around the Centre. Our Teacher explained that the Centre has many assets or resources, but the greatest resource is the health of the Members. Health is the greatest wealth said the Buddha. Utilising their health whilst it lasts, Members contribute the healthy components of their time, skills, energy and personal resources for the benefit of the Centre’s Members. When these contributions are made with mindfulness and caga, the practitioner and others benefit greatly. One other integral part teaches us to develop 'love' towards other beings. But just how is this to be achieved? It is often thought that 'love' with another person can be developed by giving them something, for example, money, the use of our car, flowers, a film ticket, or a paid holiday. More in accord with Buddha Dhamma is the recognition that our generosity (dana) must be practiced with caga, clear intention and awareness of our friend's real needs. The Metta Sutta method of the practice of loving-kindness was taught by the Lord Buddha. When metta practice is well developed, it should be given to all beings, just as an upturned water jar gives water in all directions without bias. True esteem and affection arises from the provision of things that genuinely bless the receiver. Thoughtless giving between people creates relationships based upon notions of obligation which lead either one, or both persons to accuse the other of a lack of affection with such words as "You should be more grateful, after all I've done for you". Whatever emotional security we can gain from others by giving them presents with an implicit demand that they love us, is based upon our own refusal to be loved at the present time. Is it possible to offer something to another person with love if our gift is tagged with some kind of obligation and not with loving intention? Without loving intention, the answer is no. With loving intention, the answer is maybe. Reciprocity of affection is closer in meaning to the 'love' of Buddha Dhamma. Principles of relations between persons may be extended to include the development of benevolence to other persons. Buddha Dhamma shows this is possible because sane human beings have similar needs. However, the development of ‘compassion’ without wisdom is not sufficient to obtain insight into 'what is what', that is, into the conditions of existence. It should be almost unnecessary to add that the reverse is also true. Compassion without wisdom is ultimately untenable. The Macquarie Dictionary defines ‘untenable’ as being incapable of being held against attack. For caga and love to flourish and endure within a relationship, three important conditions are required. These are appreciation, empathy and forgiveness. Appreciation Each partner should appreciate the fortunate conditions of being able to meet and to love together in this lifetime. All relationships are based on the accumulation of kamma which is the result of one's actions through many past lives. Broadly speaking, among all the possible kinds of relationships, the partnership of husband and wife occurs through the gathering of much more deeper kamma than any other type of relationships. It is the result of many virtuous deeds and actions in the past. In a marriage there is the opportunity to produce and amass the many good causes which result in great happiness. The Buddha taught his lay people (in "The 'Good Born' Young Man Sutra") how to maintain right love in three right ways. This is applicable to marriage. The first right way is that each should have respect for the other; The second right way is that each should be sustained by the other physically, emotionally and mentally; and The third right way is that each should be comforted with wisdom and understanding. In China, there is a common saying that husband and wife should always be respectful to each other, as if each were welcoming a newly come noble guest. Empathy Empathy is knowing and understanding another person's needs, wants and desires. The two opposites of male and female are just like the positive and negative forces of electricity. They must be like this so that they can help each other. Let each have their different views and opinions and needs - but with empathy they can still come together and harmonise every kind of contradiction. Forgiveness Forgiveness is the third important condition. It enables any discord that arises to give way immediately to the relish of concord. The relationship of marriage is normally based on love not reason. Hence, our manner to each other should be to forgive and not to judge. Through forgiveness what is broken is made whole again and what is muddied is made clear again. Through the conditions of appreciation, empathy and forgiveness, one's marriage will endure a long time. The Sigalovada Sutta, which is a code of discipline given by the Buddha for lay Buddhists, gives clear guidance to lay people in the areas of domestic and social life. The purpose of this code of discipline is to provide the basis of proper conduct, self control and guidelines for laypersons to lead a happy, peaceful and worthwhile household life. The Sutta explains such things as the channels of dissipation of wealth, the four kinds of enemies who masquerade as friends, the four kinds of real friends and the proper responsibilities to the various kinds of relationships in the householder’s life. In the relationship of husband and wife, there are five ways described by which the wife shows her compassion and kindness to her husband and five ways described by which the husband shows his compassion and kindness to his wife. Regarding the proper conduct for a husband and wife the Buddha stated that: “In five ways, should a wife as the West be ministered by her husband: 1. by courtesy 2. by not despising her 3. by faithfulness 4. by handing over authority to her 5. by providing her with ornaments The wife who is thus ministered to by her husband as the West shows her compassion to her husband in five ways: 1. she performs her duties in perfect order 2. she is hospitable 3. she is not unfaithful 4. she protects what he brings 5. she is industrious and not lazy in discharging her duties In these five ways does the wife show her compassion to her husband who ministers to her as the West. Thus is the West covered and made secure and safe.” If two lovers exchanged flowers on St. Valentine’s Day (or any other day) with the thought of transformation of merit to caga, it would be possible for those two lovers to meet again in a future life. The potential for this positive action using the merit of flowers is why we choose to sell flowers on this day. The Buddha taught that due to cause and effect there are ten blessings arising from the offering of flowers. These are: 1. Long Life 2. Good Health 3. Strength 4. Beauty 5. Wisdom 6. Ease along the Buddha Dhamma Path 7. Being born in beautiful environments 8. Born with good skin, hair and beautiful to look at 9. Always having a sweet smelling body 10. Pleasant relationships with friends If human beings understood that the offering of flowers leads to the above ten blessings, flower stalls around the world would be sold out before 7.00am not only on St. Valentine’s Day but everyday of the year. Generosity (or dana, in pali) is the first perfection in Buddha Dhamma practice. For many centuries, Dhamma Practitioners have understood the virtue in offering flowers to the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, family and friends. The Buddha Dhamma theory of causation, as explained by Daisaku Ikeda in the publication, Buddhism: The Living Philosophy, describes the present self as an accumulation of actions from the past. All past causes contribute to the present effect. In a lecture given by the Venerable Sayadaw U Sobhana in 1972, on the ‘Theory of Kamma in Buddhism’, and reproduced in a publication titled, An Introduction to Buddha Dhamma’, the pali term ‘kamma’ literally means action or doing. The Venerable Sayadaw U Sobhana stated that any kind of intentional action whether mental, verbal or physical is regarded as kamma. It covers all that is included in the thought, word and deed. Generally speaking, all good and bad actions constitute kamma. In its ultimate sense, kamma means all moral and immoral volition. Involuntary, unintentional, or unconscious action, though technically deeds, do not constitute kamma, because volition, the most important factor in the determining of kamma, is absent. The Buddha says: “I declare o Bikkhus, that volition is kamma. Having willed one acts by body, speech, and thought”. (Anguttara Nikaya) Operating the flower stall provides Members and friends of the Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd. with the opportunity to make merit through the preparation and running of the flower stalls. Through these flower stalls, people who purchase the flowers are also provided with the opportunity to make merit through the subsequent offering of these flowers to family and friends. The stalls also provide our Centre with the chance to raise funds. Posies of flowers are prepared by Members at our Centre to sell to persons on Valentine’s Day. A wide variety of suitable flowers and greenery are picked from the Centres garden to use in the flower posies. A small cane basket is used as a container for the posy. The outer side of the basket is covered in coloured cellophane and secured to the basket with a ribbon which is tied around the circumference. A floral foam brick that has been soaked in water is placed inside the basket and large flowers are pressed into the centre and each side of the foam. Smaller flowers may be placed on either side of the central flower creating a balanced area of proportion and colour and green foliage may be placed between the flowers to fill the space and add light and dimension to the posy. The posies bless our customers because of the care and attention to detail that our Members use when making them. The practice of working on the flower stalls enables Members and friends of the Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd. to practice the Five Styles. These are: Friendliness, Practicality, Professionalism, Cultural Adaptability and Scholarship. The merit of this action assists in removing hindrances to learning. In his book, One Truth Only, Mahasi Sayadaw says of the hindrances on the Path: “There are five causes of deterrents, called hindrances, to the attainment of concentration and wisdom. These are: sensual desire, ill will, laziness, restlessness and doubt. Here, laziness means reluctance to hear or practice the Dhamma and getting bored or dejected during meditation. Restlessness is worry or anxiety over one’s mistakes in the past, and doubt refers to doubt about the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, or about the way to the attainment of the supreme supramundane path, fruition and Nibbana”. Traditionally, St. Valentine’s Day, held on the 14th of February each year, brings to life notions and ideals of romance and love between men and women. Valentines Day reminds us of the celebration of love. In the modern Italian culture, the term “Voler Bene”, which is derived from early Roman times, is used and means ‘a giving of love and caring’. Love and a successful relationship brings much happiness and mutual blessings. But love and the development of a relationship perhaps requires more than just the mere offering of red roses once a year. May you develop caga in your relationships this very life for caga has its basis in wisdom. As Je Tsong-k-hapa taught: Whenver
there is no interest or attachment We commend the offering of flowers as a cause leading to affection. Our St. Valentine’s day flower stalls will be located in Lilydale and Wantirna. The addresses are: Swansea Road, Lilydale, North of Ravenswood Court and 436 Stud Road, Wantirna, on the front lawn of Il Castello pasta restaurant. We look forward to seeing you this Wednesday so that you too can make causes for affection this Valentine’s Day. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! May you be well and happy. This script was written and edited by: John D. Hughes, Pennie White and Evelin Halls. Disclaimer:
As we, the Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd., do not control the actions of our service providers from time to time, make no warranty as to the continuous operation of our website(s). Also, we make no assertion as to the veracity of any of the information included in any of the links with our websites, or an other source accessed through our website(s).
Accordingly, we accept no liability to any user or subsequent third party, either expressed or implied, whether or not caused by error or omission on either our part, or a member, employee or other person associated with the Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd.
Readability Statistics Flesch
Grade Level: 11.5 References 1. Ikeda, Daisaku, Buddhism: The Living Philosophy, The East Publications, Inc. Japan, 1974. 2. Sobhana, Venerable Sayadaw U, ‘Theory of Kamma in Buddhism’, and reproduced in a publication titled, ‘An Introduction to Buddha Dhamma’ (donated by U Kyaw Thein Lwin and family) Thailand 1972 (reproduced by Vincenzo Cavuoto). 3. Mahasi Sayadaw, One Truth Only, Inward Path Publisher, Malaysia, 1998. 4. www.fcesi.wnet.it/TernilnlLinea/vita.htm (St. Valentine, City of Terni, Italy internet site) 5. Sigalovada Sutta, 1987, Buddhist Missionary Society, Young Buddhist Association of Malaysia. For more information, contact the Centre or better still, come and visit us. |
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