The Buddhist Hour Radio Broadcast Archives
Buddhist
Hour
Script No. 378
Radio Broadcast live on Hillside 88.0
FM
for Sunday 24 April 2005CE
2547 Buddhist Era
“Knowing
Honestly”
(Part 2 of Ajahn Thanasanti's talk)
Today's program is the second part in our two part
series of a Dhamma talk that was given by Ajahn Thanasanti at our
Centre on the 28th March 2005.
Ajahn Thanasanti was born in
California in 1962. She completed a BA in Biology and worked for a
few years as an analytical chemist before beginning training in 1989
as a Novice Nun at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery. She received
ordination in 1992 at Amaravati and trained for 11 years in England
at both Amaravati and Chithurst Buddhist Monasteries with Ajahn
Sumedho as her Teacher. Ajahn Thanasanti has been leading Buddhist
seminars since 1985 and teaching intensive meditation retreats
internationally for many years. Her interest is integrating insight
into the full human condition and using nature as a support in the
practice.
Last weeks program contained a meditation and
discussion on anatta, selflessness, and is now followed by additional
commentary on the prerequisites for insight meditation.
We
would like to thank Ajahn Thanasanti for the sharing of the Dhamma
with us, and we wish that she may continue to teach for the benefit
of many beings.
We continue on from last week:
Now, one
of the challenges that we have in a Buddhist teaching is that there
are many of us who come into our society, who come into a Buddhist
community, come into a longing for spiritual awakening, and we come
with history and some of the history is a mixture of positive and
negative history.
And for some people they have some huge
history, like some really catastrophic things that they have lived
through. And sometimes this catastrophic history has come about when
a person's a very young child.
A catastrophic history for a
person who is a young child has a very detrimental effect on the
child growing up. And so this sense of not knowing who they are and
not feeling a sense of wholeness which is a healthy and natural
byproduct of being born into a society, a culture, a family that is
sufficiently safe, sufficiently loving, sufficiently encouraging of a
sense of self.
Then we end up with this interesting dilemma,
which is that psychologically we are in need of brining about
psychological development to increase the psychological sense of
self. We need the love, we need the knowing, we need the belonging,
we need the safety, we need the wholeness, we need the fissures of
our psyche heal.
So we need to know ourselves in order to
know anatta.
That's right.
You have to have it before
you can give it up.
It's not quite; it's actually two
different things. The psychological sense of self is a different
thing than the anatta. There is no inherent psychological self that
is inherently present, but there's a sense of well being and
wholeness and a sense of stability and inner strength. And one of the
things in a Buddhist group needs to watch out for, because there are
teachings with anatta, any time that there is a spiritual group of
any sort there will be people who will flock to that community
looking for refuge, but because Buddhist doctrine has within it the
teachings of anatta, then particularly people who have a
psychological issues who are fragile come because there is this
hunger to heal and yet there isn't the knowledge of the work that is
needed to heal. And so one thinks that if one wholeheartedly embraces
the meditation and embraces the teachings of anatta that that is
going to be the way out of this unbelievable despair. But this
unbelievable despair is partly there because of woundedness and
injury that needs holding, receiving, and healing before one is fully
able to enter into deep experiences of meditation and release the ego
grasping and any community is going to need to develop some
psychological assessment skills to sort out what is useful for the
individuals that come. Because what one person needs may be
catastrophic for another person. So teachings are contextual, and
what is useful is contextual. There is no absolute teaching.
So
anatta is core and central teachings, but actually understand it and
practice it requires foundations. Wholeness, a sense of wellbeing, a
community basis to work with it. And that work is incredibly
important and not in any way less meaningful, valuable, worthwhile,
than other meditation work.
That is what we do here. We are a
community and we support each other and we, everybody helps in the
way that they can help. You know, we prepare meals and we offer food
to each other. We really look after each other so that we can help
each other support our practice. Help each other to keep five
precepts. Help each other to have time to sit and meditate. We study
the sutras. We study the commentaries on the teachings. And we really
try to have that good foundation of in which we can build on and
learn.
That is to be rejoiced, to be celebrated, to be
respected, to be encouraged.
Thank you.
Now, are there
any other questions that come up for you in your practice, or related
to the subject, or another subject?
So, if one is having
difficulties in actually to meditate because I understand that the
practice of meditation is very useful, but I find it very challenging
to just sit and meditate. Is that because I haven't found, or I'm
having difficulties with the psychological part of the self? That I
haven't go that wholeness yet to actually sit down and then I
haven't, then I don't have that foundation yet, to actually sit in
meditation?
I don't have enough information to say. Most
people find meditation difficult. You know, and so just because you
find meditation difficult that is common, doesn't necessarily mean
where it is coming from. You know, the habit of our society is jam
every sense organ as full as possible and then one sits still for a
few minutes and one is expecting serene concentration and what you
get is dribble of the stuff that has been stuffed in every possible
way and one feels that somehow ones a failure in one's meditation,
but is has something to do with the lifestyle that we lead and the
lack of time and the overwhelming impact of sensory input and the
pressure that one is under to do too much in too short a time and the
lack of ability to allow things to just find their own ending. And so
when one sits still all of the stuff is like this kind of pretzel
that emerges and one thinks 'I'm a hopeless meditator'. Well, you're
not a hopeless meditator. This is just the cause and effect result of
what one has lived with. So one needs how to learn how to live to
allow more space, to be present with things as they're arising, to
allow them to settle. You know, to simplify. To have less rather than
more. To spend more time out in nature with your hands dirty than,
you know, behind the screen or reading or analysing, discussing. You
know, to take your shoes off and walk barefoot. You know, those
simple things. And so often it has to do with that.
So
without knowing more, you and how, what is happening for you in your
meditation and your personal story it would be hard to tell. I think
many of us, it is wise to look at, you know, the spectrum because I
think for many of us there are fissures that are present, we don't
necessarily know them, but then something happens and the open up and
then we know about them because were in a right state. So being able
to get a sense of where these are and work to allow them to heal is
also a part of our journey.
And then part of the other
problem is is that we are habitually identified meditation with being
sitting. You know, one sits. In the United States they don't even use
the word meditation. They say, "I'm going to go sit with Ajahn
Sumedho", or Jack Kornfield, you know. They don't even use the
word meditate. So the word meditation and sitting in some people's
minds is totally synonymous. Well, if you spend eight hours a day
sitting in front of a telephone or in front of a computer, in front
of people, you don't need to sit, you need to do something other than
sitting.
So part of what is necessary is also to learn how to
use your meditation in a way which is useful so that you are
connecting and making good use of the time that you have for
meditation. Sometimes what you need to do is gentle movement or
standing or walking or lying down, you know. And so because our idea
of meditation is fixed, you know, we see the Buddha mostly sitting,
then we think well that how I'm supposed to do it. And then what we
do is that we force ourself into a routine or a posture based on a
concept of how it is supposed to be rather than really look at what
is actually happening and what is needed right now. And that is also
the problem, you know.
So meditation is about being present
with what is arising and how we are relating to it and both working
with the brining things into balance so that there is more
skillfulness as well as learning how to allow the mind in it is own
natural purity. So in this room there are all kind of objects and
calligraphy and a shrine and beautiful red roses and Buddha statues
and images of various kinds and I'm speaking and there's carpet and
there's light and we'll get up and walk around and the lights will be
turned off and tomorrow the sun will come and light will come from
outside. The objects of the room are constantly changing. But the
space isn't changing. The space doesn't change. And so with beautiful
objects and unbeautiful objects or with nice Dhamma talks or with
something that's frightening or threatening the space doesn't change.
When the building falls down the space has not changed by the
building's walls or absence of walls. But most of the time we are
completely absorbed in the objects. We completely miss the space. So
in addition to having the nice space where we cultivate a shrine,
where we cultivate simplicity and ease and beauty, in addition to
cultivating balance with objects we can learn to allow the mind to
rest in a space for the same is true in our hearts. We need to bring
balance to what we are experiencing but we need to learn to let the
mind rest in its own innate purity.
Now, one's own innate
purity is hard to rest in when one is absorbed in an object. But if
the objects, if there's dust in the room or there's clutter in the
room or there's a pile of jibber or non-stop talking, when you're not
absorbed into any one of those objects you can still see that space.
So, not having good concentration is not an obstacle for resting in
the innate purity of the mind. It doesn't have to be.
But
that is another place where we get confused, because we think
meditation is concentration and if I'm not incredibly concentrated
and able to watch the hair of the nostrils flicker with each inbreath
then my meditation is poor. But concentration is an aspect of
meditation and it's needed in order for there to be a certain
capacity to be present with what is arising. But we can watch
confusion, we can watch fogginess. Overwhelmed can be an object of
meditation. This is overwhelmed, you know, it feels like this. So it
doesn't have to be pristine and moment to moment and individuated and
absolutely crystalline clear. That can be experienced but it's not
required.
So again, part of the problem is the way that we
relate to what meditation is and then we judge ourselves because it's
not what we think it should be if were meditating properly.
Thank
you.
Any other questions?
Which is, I guess that, is
to follow up to that, is that like greed for a wrong view? Like, it
should be like this. It's not like that but then the mind goes, 'It
should be like that.' So, where does that come from? What drives
that? What makes it occur?
We have a habitually tendency to
shoot on ourselves (Laughs)! So we need to just recognise this as
what it is, it's a shooting ourselves habit and see it for that. It's
not the way it actually is, it's the way it should be. There's a
difference and that habit is very deeply ingrained. It's driven by a
sense of ill will rather than a sense of compassion.
So we
need to just check what is actually happening, not what I think
should be happening, what I would like to be happening, what could be
happening, what is actually happening and how am I relating to it.
Because we live our lives with this fantasy of what it is supposed to
be like and then kind of blur and disconnect with how it actually is,
because it's not fitting into our idea of how it should be. Do you
understand what I'm saying? Does that resonate with your
experience?
So it's humbling! I mean, sometimes it's sort of a
humiliating! But what is actually happening is where the practice is
alive.
So is the remedy to that, is it mindfulness, or is it
honesty, or is a combination of different things?
It is a
combination of those things. Interest, for me honesty is number one.
Honesty. What is actually happening, because I come up with things
like 'I'm sulking', 'I'm pouting', you know, it's like I don't, my
concept of myself is that I don't sulk, you know. And so when I see
that I'm sulking it's like hard to accept that. And then I don't
accept it with this, and I shove it into this idea of what's
happening, rather than actually accept it. So, honesty is a big
thing.
And then does compassion come into that? Like, not
being too hard on yourself?
What I do is I play. When I catch
that I'm sulking and than catch that I'm resisting then I make it ten
times worse and I go around and really pout, you know, and then I
just act it out ten times worse so that I can release the anxiety and
the tension out of not wanting to be like that.
(Laughs)
It's
like you feed it.
Let it have its day.
It's like you
embarrass it.
Well, because what for me the problem is is the
resistance to not wanting it, that's what puts it in place. So if I
make it ten times worse than it cuts through resistance and then
there is nothing that holds it in place anymore and it falls away.
That happened to me just the other day around sadness. There were
a few things that happened and I felt very sad but I couldn't accept
that I felt sad. I couldn't accept it. So I was in a state in sort of
blurred out numbness for like three-quarters of the day because I
just couldn't accept that I was sad. You know, I had to take, I spent
the morning meditating and the afternoon taking myself for a walk and
I had to have a long talk with myself and say, 'I feel sad', you
know, that's what's happening. I feel really sad. And once I could do
that then the blur went away and the tension went away and the
sadness, it's not that it completely evaporated, but it didn't have
this kind of overriding...
Stickiness.
...stickiness to
it. It was just something to be known, to be lived with and that was
ok.
You say, "Feeling sad only."
(Laughs)
Yeah. Sad bear. It's a sad bear day. It's ok to have sad bear days.
Because you're saying it's, you look at exactly what's
happening, and the something that says, "Well, why is this
happening to me", or whatever it might be, I guess I'm just
working through that. Then there is nothing actually looking. Feeling
arises, ah, angry, whatever it might be, so you're saying, ok
honesty, that is angry arising. That's just the way it is. That is
angry arising because causes in the past were made for angry to
arise. I guess the chuckle of it is that, you say, "I'm noting
angry is arising." If I put that question in, "Who Am I?",
it seems to cut all that off, and it's just angry arising, because
causes were made. So again that tool is a very powerful tool.
But
where the compassion is needed is is that sometimes like the numbness
around sadness or the numbness around anger touches in to these
developmental tender places, were psychologically still working on
having enough strength to allow these things to emerge without it
being so threatening. So rather than needing a wisdom sword we need a
warm gentle embracing, because there's still something that's tender
which is still growing stronger, gently. Being able to allow these
experiences without being threatened by them.
You can only do
that when you feel safe and secure.
So that really needs the
gentleness rather than the cutting.
That's being honestly
kind to yourself.
When there is grasping then that can benefit
with this very powerful cutting of just, "Who am I? Who is
grasping? Who am I?" So, you have different situations and they
require different remedies and that's where the skill is because it
takes a certain amount of inner knowing to be able to get a feeling
for what is required in different situations because it looks like
same thing but it's coming from totally different places.
I'd
like to know more about common sense.
Common sense. What to
say about common sense. I'm not sure how to answer the question
really. I know, I don't know whether it is a combination of head
injuries or the meditation but there are certain aspects of my brain
that simply don't function the way it used to (Laughs). Like, I don't
have a capacity to plan the way I used to and to organise things the
way I used to. I can organise things specifically, but I can't
sequentially sort things out. And so the result of this for me is is
that I've had to learn how to trust my intuition rather than try and
sort it all out and plan it all out and get it all organised out
there. I have to just let it go, and just trust that a something will
emerge which will allow it to find its own resting. And what I have
found, when I do this, when I learn how to trust my intuition is
often there are things like, I feel frustrated because I'm not able
to get it organised only to find out that had I organised it before,
I would have had to re-organise it because something has shifted.
So there is something like, an internal wisdom which
operates, something operates that's almost like a some kind of deeper
knowing that's in charge of things that I have no conscious awareness
of. So, simplicity is a way to return to the present moment.
Simplicity is a way to be in touch with the body and the breath and
what's just arising in the present. Simplicity is a way of
dismantling the story that is created around experience and
perception and feeling, and just coming back to the immediacy of
what's happening. The way we get to simplicity is through unveiling
the reaction and the reaction to what's happening.
So for
example, like the sadness, so there was sadness and there was not
wanting the sadness and then there was some kind of a numbness around
it. So I had sadness, not wanting, and numbness, and before I could
get to the sadness I had to receive the numbness, breathe through the
not wanting, and then just allow the sadness to be there.
So
the way to arrive at simplicity is to be aware of what is actually
happening in the present moment and how am I relating to it. And you
will maybe have layers, that the top layer is the one that you know
and that's the one you need to learn how to relate to with skill. The
top layer then will lift and release and shift then you see the layer
underneath it. And that's the one you need to embrace and relate to
with skill. That will release and shift and move and come underneath
and then that is the one you need to relate to.
So simplicity
is about being able to be clear about what's happening and how you're
relating to it. And that process will bring you back to the present
moment.
May all beings become fully enlightened.
May all
beings have true, lasting happiness.
May all beings find true
friends in the Dhamma.
This script was spoken by Ajahn
Thanasanti and was prepared and edited by Frank Carter, Lainie
Smallwood and Alec Sloman.
References:
Recording
Title: 'Who am I?' part II
CD 2 of 2
Teacher: Ajahn
Thanasanti
Date of recording: 28/03/2005
Transcribed by: Alec
Sloman
Checked by:
CD Reference: 28_03_05T1S2
FileName
I:\28_03_05T1S2A_JDHtranscribe.rtf
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